When things change in a relationship they can be scary, but also proof that you are both developing, reaching different stages in life, as long as you communicate what scares you, displeases you or makes you happy, these things usually can be be resolved and strengthen your ties, what does not break you, makes you stronger. It can also show that you do not work anymore and decide ultimately to part ways.
This month Iliyan and I reached our two year anniversary, I was amazed at how fast it went and how many things happened, it felt both slow and fast, but in reality, it was quite slow. Because all that has happened to us on an individual and couple level can not happen in the span of a few months. I have seen many changes, new things in myself and in him, to the point that I realized how naturally and gradually, things change.
A few days ago I was reading the “letters” that Iliyan and I wrote to each other on tumblr in the beginning of our friendship. I went through all of the ones he sent to me. The sensations of back then tickled my skin lightly and made me remember fuzzily those times. I had the same feeling while reading our conversations from Skype, the one when he confessed to me and I to him and many others that followed. I also went through the screen captions I made of my phone with our daily love talks. I realized how much our situations had changed since we started being friends and even since we began dating. Within that, I also saw the development of our love.
Love takes many shapes, it is in everything that we do with love in our hearts, it can be making dinner for them, buying that game you knew they had wanted for such a long time or making a contraption for them to put their necklaces on. It is thanks to this moldable nature that it possesses that a couple’s love is ever changing. Like a river making its path through the earth, growing thinner or larger at different places, turning into a lake or ending up in the sea and coming back to our fields in the form of rain drops.
I remember that half a year ago I got a bit scared of these changes I took notice upon. When there was a bump I wondered why did it appear in the first place and wondered if it meant that we did not work well, when I saw that we text less and do more video calls, I suddenly missed texting more. It was a bit ridiculous if you think about it, but at the same time natural. As humans we sometimes fear change, we do not know if it is for the better or worse, so we might feel a bit anxious about it. I stopped doing that because I actually love how our love is developing, it is unexpected but natural. Everyday is a surprise, everyday we learn more, everyday we love each other even more.
I confess that opening up about this anxiousness to him helped the most, because by communicating I realized I was being scared of things changing. He listened to me, acknowledged my fears and worries and reassured me with kind words filled with love.
I love how when he wakes up he stays in bed until I wake up, or when he cooks alone so I can study or relax, or when I make something secretly to surprise him, or when we cuddle and watch a film, even working in the kitchen as a team; the moments we lay in bed looking at each other’s eyes, listening to his heartbeat and wondering how I could get this lucky. The care I sense in his touch when he softly grazes my cheek and whispers that I am beautiful, or insists on carrying all the grocery bags because he loves helping me out, even if he is struggling. Everything is so much fun, it could be the most mundane thing or the most special thing in the world, I still would enjoy the heck out of it.
Love is amazing, and feeling it everyday, all the time, is even more. No matter the bumps, our love is still there, just a bit shy, maybe hurt a bit but it shines after an hour or two and we realize how silly we were.
In all honesty, in its essence, our love is still the same, young, strong and playful. But we have gone through many layers of it, many paths and we still have a lot to discover, it changes with us, growing stronger and deeper.